Throughout Western history, men and fathers have been expected to uphold and adhere to certain roles under patriarchy. This has often looked like playing “the breadwinner”, the authoritarian parent, or someone less emotionally involved in their children’s lives. This is not an across-the-board reality or an absolute truth, nor is it a role that comes naturally to men on the whole.
Parenting is actually more learned than instinctual. In fact, the myth of the maternal instinct has little empirical support, and the idea that women innately have better parenting skills than men only serves to harm both parents and children.
In the 21st century, we’re getting better at understanding the complexities of parenthood and the reality that these various roles are not inextricably bound to gender. We still have a ways to go, but with the help of scientific research on the subject, as well as people sharing their lived experiences, we’re learning how to redefine fatherhood for the betterment of society.
To celebrate Men’s Mental Health Month, Pride Month and Father’s Day, Ovry is featuring the following conversation with Thomas (he/they), a queer, single dad from the United States.
Ovry: When did you become a dad? What were your feelings about it then and now?
Thomas: I became a dad at twenty-three. I was raised evangelical and got married young, like a lot of people in my hometown. When my wife’s pregnancy test came back positive, we were both overwhelmed with feelings. At the time we were mostly terrified, but over time those feelings began to develop into excitement, joy, and even more terror. This was before the heyday of parenthood social media influencers, but there were already so many people writing blogs, books, and giving lectures about the “right” way to be a parent. Epidural or no meds? Breastfeeding or formula? Circumcisions or not? Co-sleeping or sleep training? We felt exhausted from the options and from everyone’s very strong feelings on those options.
Looking back, I wish I could tell myself that my kids will be healthy and safe, and that a lot of those decisions didn’t matter in terms of the long-term wellbeing of our children’s lives. What matters most is love, compassion, and creating a peaceful home for them to learn who they are.
Ovry: Growing up, what were your feelings towards fatherhood? Did you imagine yourself with kids in the future? How was fatherhood modeled for you?
Thomas: I honestly never thought much about being a father until I realized I was becoming one. Part of that was because I became a dad at such a young age. My brain hadn’t fully developed yet and I hadn’t considered the kind of parent I wanted to be.
My own father loved me and was physically present, but emotionally distant. He had a lot of anxiety, and I think the experience of being a husband and father was overwhelming to him. He was very quiet, especially when I got older and started to have my own passions and opinions. He’s still alive but we only talk a couple times a year.
Ovry: How has your actual experience of fatherhood differed from what was modeled for you?
Thomas: I don’t mean to suggest that my childhood was uniquely bad, but my approach to being a dad was to do the opposite of the models of fatherhood I saw around me. I saw so many parents be physically and emotionally distant, filled with anger, violence, and harsh/critical words to their kids.
Ovry: In what ways have you intentionally tried to do things differently?
Thomas: When I first became a dad, I was determined to reject all the gender stereotypes I saw around me. Something deep inside me told me to go in the opposite direction of what I knew about fatherhood and masculinity. I wouldn’t be one of those incompetent dads who didn’t know the pediatrician’s name and never changed diapers. I knew I was going to do my best to be just as involved as my co-parent, who birthed our kids. I did late night feedings every other night, took the kids to appointments, and wore the baby on my chest to the store. I was a stay-at-home dad for about six months. When my second child was born, my co-parent and I were in graduate school, so I took the baby to lectures with me and fed her bottles while I listened.
I have absolutely failed my own standards of fatherhood many times. I’ve hurt my kids’ feelings and been overly harsh. But the biggest difference is that I try to own my mistakes and apologize every single time I hurt them. That’s something I rarely got from my own parents.
Ovry: In what ways has fatherhood surprised you?
Thomas: Fatherhood surprised me by forcing me to consistently show up for my kids in moments I wouldn’t have shown up for myself. I was recently diagnosed with bipolar II disorder. The diagnosis and the medication I was given were a gift — both to me and my children. I’ve had intense episodes of depression and despair my entire life. There were months when I was basically incapacitated by my illness. However, I knew that I had to get up to make sure my kids were fed and taken to school. Even if feeding them and getting them to and from school was all I did in a day, it was a reason to keep going. My kids have literally kept me alive, and they will always be a reason to keep myself going.
Ovry: How do you think being a single dad shapes the way you interact with your kids? What are the specific challenges, and what are some of the positives?
Thomas: The decision to end my marriage was the hardest decision I’ve ever made. Everything in the world tells us that keeping the family unit together is the right decision: financially, logistically, morally. Our Western Christian moral logic tells us that the nuclear family is the building block of society.
At a certain point my therapist asked me why I was staying in my marriage. I said, “Because I don’t want to hurt my kids.” He asked, “Do you think that they don’t notice how bad things are? Do you think the conflict in your marriage isn’t already hurting them?”. That conversation changed my life.
The challenges are mostly logistical and financial. But the payoff of choosing my own happiness has paid dividends in my relationships with my kids and their wellbeing.
Ovry: What do you feel LGBTQ+ dads, such as yourself, are uniquely capable of understanding and teaching their kids? How does queer community play a role in stepping outside of the conventional framework of fatherhood into something potentially more open and honest?
Thomas: In the years since my marriage ended, my community of queer friends has become my family. From a parenting perspective, my LGBTQ+ community has shown my kids that queer adults are normal and happy and can live very fulfilling lives. They show my kids that they can be authentically themselves in whatever identities they discover in life.
The queer people that I allow to know my children are folks who have done the work to know themselves, to examine the impact of patriarchy and capitalism on their lives, to seek to make the world kinder and gentler for everyone. There is something about the introspection that comes with being your authentic self that allows you to move through the world with self-awareness. That’s important for kids to see modeled.
The men that know me and my family well are willing to prioritize softness and kindness with their families and friends. They’re people who refuse to let the stories they receive from their history define their masculinity. Everyone who was socialized as a man in the West is impacted by the dual privilege and oppression of patriarchy, but the people that I keep close are the ones who have truly labored to understand the harm of patriarchy and have worked to break the cycles for the sake of their children and communities.
Learning to be gentle and kind with myself allowed me to realize that my conception of my own gender and sexuality had not been complete. As I excavated my interior world, I saw the places that needed love and gentleness. And learning to love myself gave me so much more capacity to love my children.